


Iris

by Introvert_From_Space



Series: Waves of Flowers- High School AU [2]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Depression, ETHAN IS SAD, Eating Disorders, High School, I promise I love Ethan, Lots of Angst, M/M, Mark is a good boyfriend, Not Beta Read, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Trigger Warnings, We Die Like Men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:08:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24287155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Introvert_From_Space/pseuds/Introvert_From_Space
Summary: Life was going great, he had so much going for him.. So why did everything feel wrong?
Relationships: Mark Fischbach/Ethan Nestor
Series: Waves of Flowers- High School AU [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1745797
Comments: 3
Kudos: 105





	Iris

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on Iris by Goo Goo Dolls, in particular, the line “When everything feels like a movie, [yeah] ya bleed just to know you’re alive.” so definitely check that out. Also, this is a part of a series, and although you don’t need to read the other story it will help with the background.
> 
> As always, I want to clarify this is a work of fiction (clearly) and I do not ship them in real life. When I was writing this AU their dynamic worked really well so I wrote them into it.
> 
> ***Trigger Warning: Depression, Self Harm, Eating Disorders, and Panic Attacks***

Warm air seeped into the room from the shop door and windows. Masses of flowers were grouped by color on the center table and around the walls. Summer was only two weeks into its reign over the weather but wasn’t holding back after the extending winter. 

The last summer before college. A couple of months left as senior before they are demoted back down to freshmen status. Ethan was lucky, most of the people he was familiar with were going to the local university, including his boyfriend of about seven months, since around mid-November.

Life should be going well, but Ethan off. When did things ever go his way?

\---

They were in Ethan’s room; it was still yellow and mostly empty, though, as it was summer, an abandoned bookbag was in the corner and Mark’s emergency hoodie draped over the closet doorknob. The sweatshirt was left here if Mark ever needed one, seeing as he couldn’t fit into most of Ethan’s, but it was now mainly Ethan's hoodie that Mark was allowed to borrow despite owning it. 

Mark was straddling his desk chair, and Ethan was comfortably positioned on his bed while leaning against the wall. They finished their shift at his family’s flower shop, Waves of Flowers, and were enjoying the pleasure of each other’s company.

“How have you been feeling recently?”

“Well..,” Sometimes Ethan regretted Mark learning about his mental health. Not because then they wouldn’t have met, but he feels like he’s worrying Mark. God, it must be so annoying for Mark to constantly watch over him. Mark didn’t sign up for that, nor does he deserve it. “Things have been great. I get to spend most of my time with you, that’s always nice,” It wasn’t a total lie, Ethan would be fine with spending every day for the rest of his life with Mark, but he hasn’t really “been great”. And that’s what tearing him up.

Mark is quite possibly the best thing that ever happened to him. Mark makes Ethan feel loved, cared for, he makes him feel. But he still isn’t happy. Maybe he was expecting too much. Maybe he thought being in a relationship with someone so kind would make him forget how fucked up he is. He should be happy. Truth be told Ethan feels guilty about that. Mark was happy and always cheering him up, and Ethan couldn’t do the same for him. That’s why he has been lying about his feelings. He knows it’s wrong, bottling things up only to land him in bad situations, but it’s hard to break something that feels right. It seems like the right thing to do, for Mark. 

\---

They spend an hour or two more at Ethan’s before Mark heads back home. Ethan doesn’t know if that’s good or not. Now he doesn’t have to fake a smile and fight to focus on anything but his internal voice, but he was also alone. Being alone meant no distractions; no distractions caused regrettable actions when it came to Ethan. 

Laying down now, he stared at the ceiling wishing for some stimulation but unwilling to move. Recently, Ethan had been feeling sluggish, he didn’t know if this was from his downward spiral or lack of calories. His body felt like it weighed two hundred pounds and, in his mind, he looked like it too. 

Ethan’s depression was mainly focused on how he was, in all ways, a failure, often pointing out how he was ugly and overweight. That’s why his depression went hand in hand with his eating issues. It was never intense so he never mentioned it to anyone, which was probably not the best idea. He really couldn’t do anything right?

He could sense the beginnings of tears. He didn’t want to cry, what if his mom walked in? What if Mark comes back? If they saw he was crying they would freak out. Would Mark hate him for lying, would he break up with him because he was falling apart again? Ethan doesn’t want to lose Mark. 

He sensed his breathing picking up, and his head began to spin. Thoughts bounced around his head a thousand miles and a minute all saying the meanest things about him. He was no longer in his body; he may as well have been floating away, up through the ceiling and into outer space. He curled into himself, shaking intensely. He tried not to dig his nails into his legs, trying to open and close his hands as Mark had taught him. 

He stayed like that, panting heavily, for several minutes. Still not totally back down on Earth, Ethan struggled to try and stand up from his bed. When he finally got up he took a step and immediately sunk to the floor, turning and reaching under his bed.

Everything in his head was telling him to do it. Go back into that box and get the blade. Find that relief he once got with each slice. But it had been so long. He had gone for about six months with only two slip-ups. He had been trying so hard for himself, he wanted to move on. Some of his old scars had even faded away at this point.

But his mind was strong, and Ethan was weak. 

He finally reached the box and pulled it in front of himself. Slowly he opened it. Inside were some of Ethan’s most personal possessions, including his journal, dark drawings he didn’t want his mom to find, and a small razor blade. Almost everything in the box had been untouched for months, and now they were finally seeing the light again. He carefully picked up the tiny blade. He held it over his wrist, hovering the razor piece for a split second before giving in to the temptation.

At first, they were thin and small, no scars would be left and only small drops of blood sat on the cuts. Then they progressively got deeper, releasing more blood that dripped down his arm and onto the box. 

Eventually, he stopped, dropping the blade into the box. He didn’t even notice he was crying until the tears were wetting his jeans. Wiping his eyes with one good hand, he stood and stumbled to the door. He checked the hall for his mom before running quickly to the bathroom down the hall. 

Still crying he rinsed his forearm and took an old rag from under the sink to cover the wounds. It was sad how he easily set into his old routine of cleaning cuts. After the cuts stopped bleeding he took the rag back to his room and shoved it into the box. He threw on Mark’s hoodie and pulled the hoodie over his head. The sweatshirt was large enough where Ethan could curl up, and it would fit over his knees. He sat there for a long time, trying to empty his mind. 

He had self-harmed again. It felt good, and Ethan wished it didn’t.

\---

They weren’t planning on hanging out today, Ethan thought he was safe. Mark’s dad was under the weather for the past few days, and even though he presumed he would be better for him and Mark to go to the beach; sadly, he wasn’t. It’s not that Ethan didn’t want to spend the day with Mark, he loved Mark and loved being with him, but he had cut. The smaller ones remained raised pink lines but some of the deeper ones had light scabs over them and were still red with old crusted blood he couldn’t seem to remove. 

He didn’t want Mark to know how he broke, especially after the last time he promised to talk to Mark before he even thought of getting a knife. He was such a disappointment. All of his friends must be so sick of his moping and cutting at this point, they probably thought it was for attention, something Ethan half believed himself. 

Ethan didn’t really change. He fell asleep after crying and therefore woke up very early, so he paced around for hours in his room. He switched his pants but left Mark’s hoodie on. He loved that hoodie, it smelled like Mark and felt like home. And it wouldn’t be surprising if Ethan wore it in the summer, because he popped it on constantly. 

They were meeting at the park. Their town was small and most of the prominent places were on the main road or on a small street directly off said the main road. The park was located a few storefronts down from Ethan’s home, and right off the small road entrance to Mark’s neighborhood. They only planned on being there for twenty minutes before they crossed the street to a diner (not Ethan’s choice). 

Ethan arrived early, something he often did to avoid embarrassing himself and waited on a bench for Mark. Whilst he sat he let his eyes wander, observing the flowers and trees that were in full bloom. Ethan loved flowers, they had been with him his entire life. There was something about them that put his anxiety at peace for a time. He had busied his mind to a point where he didn’t notice Mark come up behind him. His hands covered his eyes, startling Ethan.

“Guess who?” Mark said laughing at his own prank.

“I don’t know, I feel like I need a hint,”

“Oh, come on, you don’t really need a hint,” Ethan let out an exasperated huff and turned around. 

“It was you, I would have never known,” He over-exaggerated. Mark laughed and Ethan forced one out as well.

“Well you really lucked out with this surprise,” Marked moved from behind the bench to sit next to Ethan. “How are you not dying in a fleecy black sweatshirt?”

“It’s comfortable,” Ethan pulled the sleeves down a little. Mark noticed he quieted as he answered. He didn’t want to jump to conclusions. He tried not to let worry crawl into his mind that Ethan was doing it again. 

\---

Ethan doesn’t plan on eating at the diner. He doesn’t want to eat at the diner. He honestly wasn’t even that hungry anymore, he hardly felt hungry ever. Once and a while he would feel harsh cramps as his body begged for food, but the cravings left each time.

“I ate before I got here, so I’ll stick to water,” How many times had he substituted water for a meal? Maybe he would end up dying from overhydration; is that even a thing?

“What did you eat?” Mark inquired, eyeing Ethan.

“Mom made me eat a sandwich about half an hour ago, she didn't know we were going to a diner,” He said, shrugging his shoulders casually. He looked over to the menu still in Mark’s hand, “What are you going to get?”

“Probably a burger with a side of fries,” He paused and looked up from his menu to Ethan, “You can have some of those if you want,” Ethan nodded slightly. 

Beginning to feel dazed and light-headed, Ethan wasn’t even thinking about not eating; all on his mind was how much he wanted a nap.

\---

Ethan’s head was slowly and consistently throbbing on his temples. He was feeling kind of out of it but tried to stay engaged with Mark’s story. The longer he sat the more he was losing touch. 

“Eth, you okay?” Ethan looked up suddenly at Mark, making his vision blur slightly. From what he could make out Mark’s face was etched with worry, he knew something was off. 

“I’m fine,” He rubbed his temples, “little headache, nothing much,” Mark definitely wasn’t buying it but knew from experience that pushing Ethan never worked. Mark held out his hand across the table and Ethan took it. Soft smiles were exchanged, though it was noted by Mark that Ethan's smile was sad and didn’t reach his eyes. 

Ethan’s head worsened.

\---

Everything was becoming too much. Lights were too bright, and the sounds were too loud. Things around him were going in and out of focus. They had their food, and by they he meant Mark, but Ethan didn’t have any of the food. 

A waiter on the other side of the diner dropped a tray. Ethan nearly jumped out of his skin. He needed to get out of there. He murmured a quick bye to Mark and practically ran out. He didn’t know where he was off to, or how it would help with his headache or overbearing anxiety. He just ran.

\---

Mark knew Ethan, probably more than the later would like to admit. Ethan was not okay, obviously. Mark was a mess. He fled the diner right after Ethan, but he lost some time grabbing Ethan and his things so he lost track of him after the other boy ran out. He grabbed his phone and asked Siri to call Ethan multiple times, each one with the same result. He sent multiple texts to no avail. He was going to have to look without a lead.

Ethan was probably on autopilot so any place Ethan was uncomfortable with or not used to were out of the question. This included any public place or crowded spaces, so he wouldn’t be home because he would have to go through the storefront. This left the park, Mark Tyler or Kathryn’s homes, or the school grounds. 

The park was the easiest to check, and although least likely to hold his boyfriend. He crossed the street and ran through the path that cut through the relatively small park. Not counting several small families eating lunch, the park was empty. At the corner of the park, Mark had a choice. He could follow Main Street to the school or turn down the crossroad toward Mark and Tyler’s houses. 

Then it clicked. Mark was almost certain of Ethan’s location. He surged forward in the direction of the school. 

\---

Ethan should have known Mark would know exactly where he ran to. To be fair, Ethan hadn’t been trying to hide, just getaway. He wasn’t even really sure how he got there or where he was until he arrived. 

He was standing on the other side of the railing on the bleachers, a place he had stood so many times before. He heard Mark come up from the creaking of the metal under his feet. 

“Eth-”

“I’ll move from the edge,” Ethan interrupted, allowing Mark’s shoulders to relax. As he said, Ethan moved from his dangerous position. 

“Do you want to talk about anything,” Mark asked, obviously trying to be cautious with his words.

“I don’t know… I feel- I feel like a wreck. I went back to self-harm,” tears were gathering behind his eyes and Mark’s heart was breaking for this boy. He didn’t know he was so bad, he though all of his suspicions was paranoia. He should’ve reached out.

“I’m so sorry you have to go through this,”

“No, Mark, I’m sorry. I should be happy- I should be happy, you- you shouldn’t have to deal with my mess,” He was sobbing now, Ethan felt like he had rivers of tears. He felt so weak and vulnerable; he hated crying in front of people.

“You don’t owe me or anyone happiness. You shouldn’t feel like you need to act like everything is okay. No one can always be okay,” Mark said. He sounded so sweet and sympathetic. Ethan melted into the words. He wiped his eyes, his face was still red and blotchy. 

He held eye contact with Mark until breaking the silence between them. “I’ve fallen apart Mark, all over again just like I always do,” He said trying to overcome the final wave of tears. Mark stepped forward to close the distance between them. He had a sad look in his eyes. Mark wanted Ethan to feel as amazing as Mark saw him as, but it wasn’t that easy. He pulled Ethan into a tight hug and the other melted into the arms of his lover. 

“I first fell in love with you when you were ‘falling apart’ and I love you until you’re put back together,”

“I don’t know if I’ll ever be better Mark,” Ethan looked up at Mark with wide, sad eyes. 

“Then you’re stuck with me for a long time,” Ethan laughed a little. He leaned in closer to Mark’s hug.

“I love you,”

“I love you too,” They stood there basking in the comfort of the words they had spoken.

**Author's Note:**

> Before I even finished the first work in this series I wanted to write a piece based on this song. I’m pleased that it isn’t complete garbage. I really wanted to use this to show even though someone might be in a relationship (romantic or platonic) with a great person, they can still deal with mental illnesses just as much. A lot of this was also a vent/reflection fic for what I went through last year.   
> I have a lot of ideas for this AU (all mainly based around songs tbh) and I promise the next work is going to be a cuter one-shot.
> 
> Comments, kudos, and constructive criticism are welcome, I'm by no means a professional writer so feel free to leave your thoughts below. You can also see me on Tumblr (PSA: my account isn’t crankiplier related) where you can always message me if you wish (https://the-writing-from-space-world.tumblr.com/).
> 
> I hope you are staying as safe as possible right now. Stay strong, I believe in you. Love y’all!


End file.
